A Heart's Trail of Faith

It occur to me lately that there are important things which I tend to set aside whenever I get accustomed to the environment in where I find comfort and short term achievements. Like forgetting to learn new things because I'm already stable in my current job. Like listening to other people's opinion because I think I know better than what they have to say. Like going to church and talk to God because I'm already receiving the blessings that I 'want'. It may not be intentional but somehow it let me stop on a certain pace.

It all started when I became aware that I have two religious parents who never gets old in sharing the good news to everyone. My father and mother are both born Catholics. My father, whose parents lead the neighborhood to pray the rosary with their family, has become one of the respected catechist in our community. He met my mother in a 'retreat' and found that God's showering love on them should be shared with other people. I was clothed with faith.

I grew up witnessing people from being drug addicts came running back to God because they've been introduced to God's love and forgiveness. They would cry and beg for God's forgiveness and their loved one's forgiveness because they realized that they've been on the wrong path of joy. They are no longer Catholics by word, but by faith.

Having those kind of parents made me into this kind of a daughter. They're benevolence and choice of right words maybe based on the awareness that they have a daughter who can also hear them and imitates their actions. They exposed me to the world aiming to follow God's gracious traits. But I am not only sensible to one religion at an early age. We have a neighbor whose so fond of me and calls me every time to share the scriptures and teachings of God too. Their Born Again Christian church is to us like the 'rich' people's mansion because they are provided with air conditioned hall and exclusive rooms for the infants furnished with lots of baby toys and books. I became aware to the fact that God does not only belongs to Roman Catholic nor to the Born Again alone. He belongs to everyone and everyone SHOULD belong to HIM.

When I joined an organization in our church, I had the opportunity to further study His words and let younger children hear His stories. I was 10 years old and I was teaching 5-10 year old children a handful of knowledge that I acquired during the catechists' training period. I was glad I was able to teach them the proper way of praying and the true essence of God's existence.

These series of events in my childhood led me to a decision to become a nun someday. Once my relatives heard about it, I was constantly teased and told that I'm not worthy of becoming one. So I forgot about it and moved on with my childhood experience.

High school came, and I had to quit my church obligations because it gradually led me to become a person I wish I didn't became. I began to hear bad things inside the church. People spread rumors in front of that huge cross. My mind became polluted and bugged with thoughts why someone had to judge His people and throw trashes of useless things at one another. At 12 I decided that it's time for me to quit. But that's the time I started practicing how to be a true Catholic by faith. I was not attending the 3 day services but I was constantly attending the Sunday mass.

I was focusing on my studies and having a backpack of faith let me through the first stages of being a teenager. I was doing good and until then I met this special person who lend me a book given as a gift to his father, The Purpose Driven Life as well as his brother's own copy of Josh Harris' I kissed dating goodbye. I know who he is and what he does during the weekend. He is involved in their church's music ministry. I remember him telling me wonderful stories about their family and how they are controlled by God. It is also a reason why I woke up one day having a heart beating alone for this person. But that's not his purpose why he came to my life. Maybe he came to ruin me because I felt betrayed when he broke up with me. That's the irony of life, specifically the teenage life. He reconnected me with God, but it turned out that I had my focus on the wrong subject.

College came and I started to walk with faith in my pocket. My family went through a lot of trials and I started to hear painful things from my parents. They'd throw hate words at each other or at me or at my siblings. But I can understand why at times they become lost inside the coldness of our 'home'. With all the love that our family has been giving to other people, nothing much were left. I'm no longer that child who are amazed and inspired to be the good daughter because I started to feel emptiness inside that 'home'. It didn't give me the satisfaction to ignore living a good life but it slowly turns me into a vicious human with hostile mind against those who've hurt me.

I graduated with a spoonful of faith. It didn't keep me from Him and let me do bad things to other people. It didn't let me do inhumane acts. It didn't let me throw away my life. But is it enough?

It doesn't mean I don't use drugs, act immoral, or kill people I am holy. I AM NOT. I am in every bit of me NOT PERFECT and SINFUL. And that's what's been keeping me and my spoonful of faith from glorifying HIM in every second of my life. Just because I felt I was not worth it.

Then God exerts His divine appointment to me and let me get back on my feet and faith every waking day. He never gets tired on putting people around me who will lead me back to Him and know Him more.

And then I encountered HIM again. I felt HIS warmth wrapping around me giving me the bread of eternal life. He embraced me despite of it all. He let me remember Him on that cross and hear HIM say His last words to SAVE me from my sins. He let me hear HIM say that He is waiting for me for a feast He has been preparing for me because I have returned. All the hurt and worries and malicious things running through my head banished because of HIS LOVE for me and my family. I couldn't be anymore happier than this and everyday I expect only HIS LOVE and another opportunity to experience HIS presence holding me since the day I was born.

I told Him all the reasons why I let myself became withdrawn from Him. He said He understood well and forgives me. I ask Him why? He said it is because He Loves me that much. I was like a crazy person crying and smiling all at the same time. I couldn't contain the joy and contentment that I was feeling on that glorious moment. After that day, I know I am a whole new piece again. I was clothed not only with faith but with an undying love that's like the rainbow after the rain.